Why not?

My classroom motto is, “become the best version of yourself.” What I usually mean by that is…make choices that you will be proud of.

It is hard to undo a first impression. It sticks with you and taints the way that you think about something or someone for the remainder of the relationship. But, what about the first impression of yourself.

Growing up, I was the chubby one. It was a fact, a way of life. I knew that in every group, there was a chubby one, and I was it. This thinking brought me to the conclusion that physical activity was not for me. Therefore, when all of my friends were doing athletic things, like soccer, basketball, softball, ballet, or cheerleading…I would opt for a “chubby” thing to do. Afterall, though well meaning, I knew that they would laugh at me when I couldn’t do it as well as them. When I got to high school, my mom encouraged me to go out for the swim team. I did. I loved it. I was good at it. I set school records. I even dropped down to a tiny 115 pounds, unnoticed. However, it only took one sentence from a pissed off coach to remind me of my grounded place in this world, “get your fat ass across the pool.” Soon, swimming lost its glow. I quit.

Then, I met arianne. She was not a “chubby” she was an “athlete”. She encouraged me to run, and all things changed for me. Like a religion I ran….daily 5 miles. Endurance running has become as familiar to me as my faith. I straw from time to time…drawn away by time and responsibilities, but I long to feel it again. I love it. It changes me. I feel proud.

I have put in nearly 12 years of running…and yet, when I see another runner…or someone talks to me about a marathon, I shy away, thinking, “I am not that girl. I am not a real runner, it’s just something I like to do.” The first impression of myself taints decisions. Sometime, though, our first impressions are wrong. I believe I am a runner afterall.

I remember before my first daughter was born, going to a teacher’s conference. I was about 7 months pregnant, enought to be showing, enough where I could feel her wiggling inside me, but not enough to be terrified and miserable, yet. We where excusing ourselves for lunch and I went into the ladies room and I could feel my daughter turning inside me. I remember standing with my back to the wall, holding my stomach and thinking about the little someone within me. I thought, “this will be the only time in your life that I will be able to completely protect you. Right now, I can ensure you everything that you need; but not too long from now you will enter this world…I will try with every ounce of power within me to protect you from harm, but, there is no garentee.”

Her delievery was hard. she was stuck inside me, both of us afraid to leave that perfect place.

My dearest daughters, my love for you is so amazing that sometimes just looking at you moves me to tears. I would gladly give my life, my everything…to ensure your happiness, hope, and trust. However, my sweet girls, I can’t.  All I can give you is a promise that He is just, He is faithful, and He love you.

Thank you for my wonderful life!

Do you recall the point where you realized that your parents weren’t perfect? That they are human and subject to all the problems and issues that every human faces. That is a rough moment. You sit there thinking, “wow. I thought you where invincible” But they are not.

Parenthood and being a child is a strange mystery. I suffered an amazing amount of anxiety upon the arrival of my first daughter. There she was…so tiny…so innocent….SO INCREDIBLY DEMANDING! How on Earth could I be responsible for her little life. I will never forget another mother describing her feeling to me and saying, “They depend on you for everything…they can’t even get a drink of water, if you are not willing to give it to the them.” Wow.

My pride and my perfection lays upstairs sweetly sleeping. Father, give me the strength to be a Godly enough mother, that when they see my glaring flaws they know You enough to trust in Your grace and purity. Allow them to grow up to be strong and beautiful women full of hope and promise. Most of all, Lord, thank you for letting me be their mother! 

Why can I remember all of my other committments, but the one I made with you? Why am I so obtuse? Literally.

Forgive me.

Romans 1-wow…I feel so little. Sometimes I become so enticed by the world I live in that I forget the truth. Forgive me, Lord. Show me you ways…open my eyes. I feel so much farther away.

sometimes I feel so frustrated and angry. I have stripped myself of all things given me at birth, to fit into them. Yet, she criticises…dissolves….

 It is the 2 of them, they are the battle.

Father, please, help the anger to drift away. Help me to feel the recognition that I crave, without the piercing rage,  her dominance overshadowing my every desire. Please help me to be gracious for the outstanding blessings, without hurt. Please forgive my frustration and heal the pain.

This week we are going to go out for our 6 year anniversary. That is simply amazing. Sometimes, I think about the dusk of my life…and I wonder what it will be like. Will I look back sad, missing the kids as toddlers and the funny things they said? Will I look back regretful, that I didn’t do things differently, that I had made different choices? Or, I hope, I will look back in joy. My God, You are so outstandingly generous to me. I do not deserve your love! Thank you for the blessings.